Lincoln and HAM
Feb. 10th, 2005 05:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
prof_pangaeaGod's Bodikins, ya'll, it's almost that time of year again... Yes, the time to celebrate the birth of Abraham Lincoln! Every year we celebrate with Lincoln shaped chocolate sweets and the wearing of Lincoln beards, but this year I thought we might add a little something to the festivities. Hereby I decree this time of year to be the time of reading PRESIDENTIAL SKITS.
You all thought that they were gone and forgotten, but no... no they weren't. Much to all of our chagrin, I present to you:
Ham Sketch
(George Washington and Thomas Jefferson are sitting at the dinner table. There is a large ham in the center of the table, and each man has a generous helping on his plate)
TJ: So anyway, about this affair in France --
GW: (with his ear to the plate) What's that, Ham? Yes, I quite agree.
TJ: Sir, excuse my asking this, but are you listening to your dinner?
GW: Shut up, Jefferson. Ham says you're too liberal. -- What, what? Yes, he shall be the ruin of this nation.
TJ: Sir, it is a slice of ham.
GW: You see, Ham? He's always criticizing me. You never criticize me.
TJ: (growing annoyed) It's a slice of roasted pig's ass!
GW: (fondly stroking the slice of ham) Oh, Ham, you are the son I never had! (frowns at his hand) A little greasy, though.
TJ: I can't stand this anymore! (leaps across the table and attempts to wrestle the slice of ham from Washington's grip)
GW: Unhand him, you RADICAL!
(a struggle ensues, amidst which are heard cries of pain and anger)
TJ: Stop that! Give it to me, give it to me I say! Ow! No biting! LET GO, DAMMIT! (Washington finally surrenders the ham)
TJ: Now, you crazy old coot, do you know what this is? Well, answer me!
GW: (dejectedly) Yes.
TJ: What is it, then?
GW: (in a monotone) A slice of ham.
TJ: That's better. (throws the ham to the dogs)
GW: I'll be up in my room. (looking somewhat recovered) See you in the morning?
TJ: Yes, I'll be leaving then for Paris.
GW: Good night, then.
(Later. We see a servant boy, with a bedpan of hot coals. He approaches Washington's bedroom, and enters)
BOY: Sir? Would you like your sheets warmed? (Washington is sitting up in bed, cradling n entire ham. He coos softly to it).
GW: What, what? Yes, thank you. Fetch Ham some warm milk, will you? He's feeling a chill.
BOY: (cautiously) Yes, sir.
(The boy leaves quickly and encounters Jefferson in the hall, on the way to his own room)
BOY: Sir, I think you'd better come with me.
TJ: What ever is the matter, my boy? You look as if you've seen a ghost!
BOY: Worse, sir. It's the president, sir.
TJ: Oh lord, not the ham again?
BOY: Yes sir, and this time it is an entire ham.
TJ: Oh my god.
(Some weeks later, Jefferson is joining Washington for dinner again)
TJ: I see that you're cured of that silly fetish towards your ham.
GW: Oh, yes. I loved him like a son, but I'm afraid I had to send him away. Martha wouldn't allow me to brig him to bed. He was beginning to mold a bit, you see, and smelled quite awful. (to himself) I don't understand it... I gave him regular lilac-scented sponge baths....
TJ: But you don't have him, er, it, anymore -- am I correct?
GW: Oh, no. He's moved on... (chokes up) to that little honey-glazed place in the sky.... (sobs)
TJ: (visibly relieved) I'm terribly sorry, sir.
GW: No, no! It's not as bad as all that. Y'see, Ham knew I'd be lonely with him gone, so he left me a companion.
TJ: And that would be...?
GW: (calling out of the room) Oh Rosebud! Come here, girl!
TJ: Rosebud?
(Just then an enormous pot-bellied pig comes bounding into the room)
GW: That's a good girl! (beams proudly and scratches pig under chin -- it gazes at him with adoration). Spiting image of her father, isn't she?
TJ: Where will it end? WHERE??
GW: (annoyed but calm) Pipe down, you radical. You're frightening Rosebud. Come, Rosebud, it's time for your walk. If you're good I'll give you some custard when we return.
(Washington and the pig depart, leaving Jefferson sitting at the table, shaking his head in disbelief)
Was that not enough for you? OF COURSE IT WASN'T. And so, to appease your appetites I shall further present:
Ham's Death
TJ: Mr. President, Ham has been shot by Alexander Burr.
GW: NO! Ham, oh Ham! The son I never had... (sobs) I swear, I will find this Burr, and I will have revenge for Ham's death. (cradles the smoking ham in his arms)
TJ: (trying to keep a straight face) Sir, if it's any consolation, at least Ham's death will not have been in vain. He'll make a tasty addition to Christmas dinner.
(Later)
GW: (seen viciously scaling a pinecone)
TJ: Sir? What are you doing to that pinecone?
GW: Pinecone? Can't you see? It's that cursed scoundrel Burr! (chokes up) Burr, who took my beloved Ham from me... Oh well, at least I still have Rosebud. (an affirmative snort is heard from the kitchen) Take that, and that! (rips another scale off)
TJ: (to self) I'm going to have to get the mallet.
GW: Damn, but he's resilient. Surrender, ye coward! Why won't you surrender??
Yes, these were acted out all too often in the halls of FDR by the likes of myself, Kelsey, Stephanie, and I'm not sure about Kerri on account of, you know, France. If anyone has clear memories of the generation of these ridiculous things, I would love to hear it. For example, why we thought a pinecone was a good representation of Alexander Burr. Because that really puzzled me when I was typing these up. By the way, I enjoy how Jefferson and Washington apparently live together. What the hell was wrong with us??
For my non-American friends, Ham would be Alexander Hamilton, founding father and one of the writers of the Federalist papers. You may have seen him on the ten dollar bill. You probably haven't seen quotes like this one:
"I'm sorry you went away. I wish you were back."
G.W. to A.H. July 19, 1787 (during an absence from the Congress)
Or especially this one:
"I wish, my dear Laurens ... it might be in my power, by action rather than words,
[to] convince you that I love you." - Alexander Hamilton (writing to John Laurens)
You all thought that they were gone and forgotten, but no... no they weren't. Much to all of our chagrin, I present to you:
Ham Sketch
(George Washington and Thomas Jefferson are sitting at the dinner table. There is a large ham in the center of the table, and each man has a generous helping on his plate)
TJ: So anyway, about this affair in France --
GW: (with his ear to the plate) What's that, Ham? Yes, I quite agree.
TJ: Sir, excuse my asking this, but are you listening to your dinner?
GW: Shut up, Jefferson. Ham says you're too liberal. -- What, what? Yes, he shall be the ruin of this nation.
TJ: Sir, it is a slice of ham.
GW: You see, Ham? He's always criticizing me. You never criticize me.
TJ: (growing annoyed) It's a slice of roasted pig's ass!
GW: (fondly stroking the slice of ham) Oh, Ham, you are the son I never had! (frowns at his hand) A little greasy, though.
TJ: I can't stand this anymore! (leaps across the table and attempts to wrestle the slice of ham from Washington's grip)
GW: Unhand him, you RADICAL!
(a struggle ensues, amidst which are heard cries of pain and anger)
TJ: Stop that! Give it to me, give it to me I say! Ow! No biting! LET GO, DAMMIT! (Washington finally surrenders the ham)
TJ: Now, you crazy old coot, do you know what this is? Well, answer me!
GW: (dejectedly) Yes.
TJ: What is it, then?
GW: (in a monotone) A slice of ham.
TJ: That's better. (throws the ham to the dogs)
GW: I'll be up in my room. (looking somewhat recovered) See you in the morning?
TJ: Yes, I'll be leaving then for Paris.
GW: Good night, then.
(Later. We see a servant boy, with a bedpan of hot coals. He approaches Washington's bedroom, and enters)
BOY: Sir? Would you like your sheets warmed? (Washington is sitting up in bed, cradling n entire ham. He coos softly to it).
GW: What, what? Yes, thank you. Fetch Ham some warm milk, will you? He's feeling a chill.
BOY: (cautiously) Yes, sir.
(The boy leaves quickly and encounters Jefferson in the hall, on the way to his own room)
BOY: Sir, I think you'd better come with me.
TJ: What ever is the matter, my boy? You look as if you've seen a ghost!
BOY: Worse, sir. It's the president, sir.
TJ: Oh lord, not the ham again?
BOY: Yes sir, and this time it is an entire ham.
TJ: Oh my god.
(Some weeks later, Jefferson is joining Washington for dinner again)
TJ: I see that you're cured of that silly fetish towards your ham.
GW: Oh, yes. I loved him like a son, but I'm afraid I had to send him away. Martha wouldn't allow me to brig him to bed. He was beginning to mold a bit, you see, and smelled quite awful. (to himself) I don't understand it... I gave him regular lilac-scented sponge baths....
TJ: But you don't have him, er, it, anymore -- am I correct?
GW: Oh, no. He's moved on... (chokes up) to that little honey-glazed place in the sky.... (sobs)
TJ: (visibly relieved) I'm terribly sorry, sir.
GW: No, no! It's not as bad as all that. Y'see, Ham knew I'd be lonely with him gone, so he left me a companion.
TJ: And that would be...?
GW: (calling out of the room) Oh Rosebud! Come here, girl!
TJ: Rosebud?
(Just then an enormous pot-bellied pig comes bounding into the room)
GW: That's a good girl! (beams proudly and scratches pig under chin -- it gazes at him with adoration). Spiting image of her father, isn't she?
TJ: Where will it end? WHERE??
GW: (annoyed but calm) Pipe down, you radical. You're frightening Rosebud. Come, Rosebud, it's time for your walk. If you're good I'll give you some custard when we return.
(Washington and the pig depart, leaving Jefferson sitting at the table, shaking his head in disbelief)
Was that not enough for you? OF COURSE IT WASN'T. And so, to appease your appetites I shall further present:
Ham's Death
TJ: Mr. President, Ham has been shot by Alexander Burr.
GW: NO! Ham, oh Ham! The son I never had... (sobs) I swear, I will find this Burr, and I will have revenge for Ham's death. (cradles the smoking ham in his arms)
TJ: (trying to keep a straight face) Sir, if it's any consolation, at least Ham's death will not have been in vain. He'll make a tasty addition to Christmas dinner.
(Later)
GW: (seen viciously scaling a pinecone)
TJ: Sir? What are you doing to that pinecone?
GW: Pinecone? Can't you see? It's that cursed scoundrel Burr! (chokes up) Burr, who took my beloved Ham from me... Oh well, at least I still have Rosebud. (an affirmative snort is heard from the kitchen) Take that, and that! (rips another scale off)
TJ: (to self) I'm going to have to get the mallet.
GW: Damn, but he's resilient. Surrender, ye coward! Why won't you surrender??
Yes, these were acted out all too often in the halls of FDR by the likes of myself, Kelsey, Stephanie, and I'm not sure about Kerri on account of, you know, France. If anyone has clear memories of the generation of these ridiculous things, I would love to hear it. For example, why we thought a pinecone was a good representation of Alexander Burr. Because that really puzzled me when I was typing these up. By the way, I enjoy how Jefferson and Washington apparently live together. What the hell was wrong with us??
For my non-American friends, Ham would be Alexander Hamilton, founding father and one of the writers of the Federalist papers. You may have seen him on the ten dollar bill. You probably haven't seen quotes like this one:
"I'm sorry you went away. I wish you were back."
G.W. to A.H. July 19, 1787 (during an absence from the Congress)
Or especially this one:
"I wish, my dear Laurens ... it might be in my power, by action rather than words,
[to] convince you that I love you." - Alexander Hamilton (writing to John Laurens)
